Quarantine Made Me Not Want to Live Like Everyday is My Last
It’s how I cope
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You know the line. You hear it all the time from anyone whose life aspirations include backpacking across Asia, and achieving Nirvana on the mountainsides of Nepal (not saying mine doesn’t). It’s usually well meaning, and a life mantra that I had fully subscribed to before the onslaught of a global pandemic.
Here was how it went in the before times: There are a million and one opportunities you could potentially be snapping up, why would you not take them up? There are places to be explored and foods to be eaten, grass to be rolled in and high-risk adventures to be had. There are people to meet, every one of them a potential life partner or friend. Living everyday like it was your last was an asset, a life lived to the fullest.
But then, quarantine.
Like everyone else, I absolutely did not expect it to last this long. Almost one year on, staying in so often has forced a number of changes and realizations; chief of them being that I no longer live everyday as though it is my last. It’s a big part of my survival coping mechanism.
Yes, I do appreciate my days, the tiny details that fill them up. I breathe in the frigid air in the mornings as it washes over me and reminds me I am still alive apparently; I play with my baby cousin a little longer, trying my best to cherish how she laughs when we fake wrestle; I enjoy my coffee just that much more. But, I no longer have the frantic urge to do everything ever invented as soon as humanly possible. This is definitely because I do not have the opportunities be doing them anymore, but this situation, the forced slow-down of life; it’s removed the voice in the back of my mind that was constantly berating me that every second unused was a chance not taken and thus a waste. If true, two whole years of my life would have to be cancelled since I haven’t done jackshit to “seize life.” All I’ve done are the necessities required for staying alive. And I suppose that’s just fine.
In these times, I’ve also been looking to the future. The future is something that nobody can escape exactly, but it was something that I had mostly relegated to the we’ll cross that bridge when we get to it section of my thoughts. This had the wonderful effect of allowing me to live in the moment, letting myself make impulsive decisions that I surely would have never made if not for YOLO. This resulted in a neglected future, but a very, very interesting present. I really had thought that this was the right way of living- the only way really. Those who were living for their future were fools, wasting away their youth. This 100% comes from my privileged background coupled with my depressed ass, but it just was how I viewed life.
Yet here I am now, basically only having the will to live because there is a future that I potentially have to look forward to. My present sucks. Not in the grand scheme of things -again I am quite privileged, and thankful for all that I have- but frankly, I miss my friends. I miss the spontaneity of everyday, and the adventure and the various questionable activities we did together as a group for the sake of bonding. Not living everyday as though it’s my last is what’s getting me through these times, because the thought of never having the opportunity to laugh around with my friends again is just too goddamn depressing.
A part of me was convinced that my mental health would suffer if I let myself wander anything but the now, seeing as how the past and future seem as though they are out of our control. And yeah, they are in some ways. Less in others; I hear that if you keep working toward goals that you set up and do the whole consistent habits thing, it will eventually get you somewhere useful. Supposedly, you will thank your past self for all the work you put in. However, the future cannot exist without the now, so I’m learning how to consider all versions of myself; past, present and future. Finding the right balance is hard, but I’m trying.
The block universe theory is just a theory, but it says that we exist in all of time simultaneously. There is some wisdom to be gleamed from the thought of that, at least. I am not wasting my life right now as I am sitting on my desk, typing while taking breaks to stare blankly into the sunset visible through my window. There is a version of me that is a successful entrepreneur, and a version that is drinking mimosas on a beach, and the version that’s sitting here. And all versions of me are seizing life because existence is just the universe experiencing itself, or so I’d like to think.
Living for tomorrow is an excruciating exercise in willpower, but my mental health has gotten marginally better ever since I’ve started assuming that things will get better. They have to.
Future me will report back with her results.
